Tag: Jung

Wherever I Go, There I Am: Romance and Jung

Posted on by Jennifer Rojas

My Romanceromance and jung

“And thus began my ‘hero’s journey’ – alone in a foreign country with no job, no car, not knowing enough of the language, no support system, savings dwindling, a broken marriage, trampled self-esteem, and racked with shame and disappointment.“

This is where we left off at the end of “Wherever I Go, There I Am, Part 1“.  I will eventually talk about what happened after that and the entire process and journey that led me to “finding my a$$ with both hands.” But for now, let’s flash forward about 5.5 years to the present day.

I will describe this in my own hopeless romantic way: I met the most amazing man! When I think of all of the things that had to line up and occur over the past 10 years (including meeting my ex-husband and my whole world inevitably falling apart) in order for Ben and I to find each other, it FEELS like nothing short of a miracle.

My life partner is someone who I couldn’t have conjured if I’d tried – “on paper” he’s the perfect blend of left and right brain (archaeologist, scholar and musician). He looks like a “bad boy” but I’ve never met someone more kind, generous and loving. And it’s all the things that are not “on paper” that make him so right for me.

There’s a certain quality about our relationship that not only includes trust, connection, openness, respect, and affection, but also the kind of “mind reading” and being on the same wavelength that makes us feel like kindred spirits. Almost daily, one of us will quip with a smile, “Get out of my head!”

Let me step back from my little romance novel now. As I’ve continued on my learning journey down the Jungian psychological typology path, I began to wonder, “As an ENFP, why on earth does my relationship with an ESTJ work so well?”

Not that I want to question it, mind you, but according to the whole type attributes that I’ve read about, one might believe that we’re doomed. That there are too many conflicts within our personality types for us to truly “get” one another. Or, at the very least, this partnership would be a very difficult uphill battle. So what gives?

Jung’s Romance

Ben and I actually took the Jungian type-based Majors PT Elements personality assessment individually and discovered that our personalities are, on the surface, opposites. In fact, I was shocked to hear that, statistically, there’s only about a 16% survival rate for relationships with only one letter (one aspect of type) in common!

To find out how is it possible that I can be in such a fulfilling and easygoing relationship with someone who is virtually an opposite, I went to our resident expert on Type, Gary Monti, and we did a podcast on Jungian personalities in relationships using our assessment results as a framework. Gary walked me through the reasons why it has been possible for my partner and I to form such a solid, positive relationship.

Gary explains that it’s very easy to “label” people based on native type and not delve deeper. When you get the full story of a person, it becomes apparent that the nuances of personality affect how they actually and fully operate in the world and in relationship with self and others. In the case of my specific romantic relationship, Ben and I choose to delight in our diversity – rather than throwing “you should be like me’s” at each other.

I point out that we do have some areas of tension, as all couple do – and that we communicate about them respectfully and don’t try to change the other person. Or we poke fun at each other while accepting our differences and navigating them. We learn from each other, and it’s not always easy.

Gary stresses that the “spirit” of how one comes to the assessment is critical. The purpose is to delve into each other’s personalities – not for “getting the goods” on the other person or using their scores against them. The approach should be about humility and vulnerability, and being willing to make some changes. There is space for the couple to discuss the difficulties they’re having AND to celebrate each other. This principle applies as well to families and business teams.

Gary discusses specific areas in which Ben and I score similarly, despite our different whole types, and we discover that it is these areas of overlap that contribute to our sense of being completely understood and accepted by the other partner. These meshes are, in fact, what allows us to risk being fully open with each other. This openness, in turn, creates a sense of safety that takes the relationship further and deeper than any other relationship in which we’ve each been.

Getting into the “nitty gritty” of type, let’s take a look at just a few of the specific areas where Ben and I overlap, and how that plays out in our relationship:

Ben is T (Thinking) and I’m a big, fat F (Feeling). But Ben shows much more adaptability into the F function. What this looks like is that Ben comes to me. He genuinely works to relate to me as an F. This has been such an important component of how we relate to one another that I believe if he did not show that F attribute so strongly, it would be far more difficult for us to “get” each other. It would be really difficult for me to feel as connected as I do with him. This makes a huge difference in how our relationship IS vs. how it could be if that one component of our personalities were more divergent.

With the J (Judging) vs. P (Perceiving) function, it’s the other way around: I can move into the Judging functions much more easily than Ben can move into the Perceiving functions. Gary aptly points out that there are times when I let Ben take the reigns, so to speak, and trust his take-action judgment even if I don’t have all the options analysed. I’ve picked up on when it’s time to curb my “one million options” enthusiasm a bit.

We capitalize on our diversity and respect each other. It’s powerful. It’s not to say we don’t get annoyed with one another, but our desire to “thrive and connect” comes first.

The 8 Majors Jungian Process Scores

Gary goes on to discuss the real-time measures of the 8 Majors Jungian Process Scores. This is a measure that no other Jungian-based personality type assessment uses! It addresses the 4 ways we can get information and the 4 ways we process information. Our individual results showed that Both Ben and I scored similarly on Insight (Introverted Intuition). This is one more example of how whole type is not a prison sentence, in that one wouldn’t necessarily expect such a high score in this area from an ESTJ. This common ground created a quick and early bond between us as we created a world of meaning – having serious conversations about everything. It’s a deep behaviour, so we entwine very readily on this.

Extroverted Feeling, the ability to relate, is also high in both of us. Instead of getting angry at each other, Ben and I get curious about each other. We approach each other with admiration. Our differences enhance our lives when one person more readily draws from a different pool of strength. It makes us a better team as we offer each other’s competencies as complements in order to move towards our collective goals.

This piece of the Majors PT Elements assessment can actually be used to indicate where some personal work would really pay off in enhancing a relationship. Hope can be offered to clients with these 8 process scores to be able to DO something about any issues of concern or conflict.

Some Words of Caution and Encouragement

Gary points out that it’s dangerous to pigeonhole people by their native whole type. An unethical example of this mis-use would be in hiring or firing situations in organizations. Jungian assessments are not to be used as screening tools for hiring. Using them in this way could, for example, completely illegitimately exclude someone from jobs when they may have just had a recent negative experience that has nothing to do with how they would interact with a new team.

These personality assessments are meant to encourage the person to be open about themselves in the presence of a life coach, change manager, therapist, teammates, spouse, etc. Bottom line: it’s a discovery tool – not a screening tool.  

Thank you, Gary, for helping Ben and I understand, in the true spirit of diversity, WHY our relationship works so well! It’s extremely powerful to find out who you really are and use that knowledge in personal and business relationships to help improve human interaction on so many levels.

Listen to the full podcast here for more details and to find out more about how the Majors PT Elements could help you better connect with yourself, your partner, your family or your business teams.

Do you have your own story about personality type in your relationships? If you’d like share your story on our blog because you think it could help others and build connection, please feel free to contact Jennifer (also our Blog Editor) at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com

Jungian Psychological Type: Interview with Maryanne DiMarzo, APTi President

Posted on by Jennifer Rojas

JungStampWe were delighted to sit down with Maryanne DiMarzo, the current president of APTi (Association of Psychological Type International), to learn more about the association’s history, where it is now, and where Maryanne sees it heading in the future. Maryanne shares how her leadership role at APTi was woven in with aspects of her personal journey, and how this interconnection has led to her profound commitment to the mission of the organization.

Maryanne begins by describing her journey into type. She loved studying Jung, but observed that some type practitioners administered assessments poorly, and used them to pigeonhole people. She expresses her concern about practitioners still missing the point today, which can have an impact on hiring and firing decisions.

Maryanne felt from very early on that it was important to focus on preferences vs. labeling – and that assessments are meant to help people leverage their results for better human understanding. She explains that in current times, access to type and type products has become enormous (e.g., free online assessments), which can actually lead to a lack of quality.

Joining APTi was key in Maryanne’s journey of learning that there is so much more that can and should be gleaned from type assessments in order to help people. Over time, she has developed a deep commitment to the organization, not only as a leader, but also inasmuch as her experiences with APTi have helped her be a much better executive coach and team builder.

APTi is independent of publishers, and is both product-agnostic and dedicated to high quality. The association’s aim is to help people distinguish between the high quality type assessments and those which are potentially harmful due to un-sound methodology. In other words, if APTi sanctions a type product, that means that the product is based in really good type thinking.

Maryanne discusses the challenges that are present with APTi being product agnostic. She explains that leaving space for different products has invited some controversy. While some may feel that the the organization is furthering and extending the work of Isabel Briggs Myers throughout the world, while remaining inside of her values, others assert that it is straying or departing from her direct heritage (i.e., perceived competition).

Given the disagreement within APTi regarding product agnosticism, we wonder how Maryanne finds a balance while leading an organization in which diversity is a core value. She explains that, as a leader, diversity has, indeed, been a guide – and that she’s dug deep within herself in order to make decisions that will nurture the entire group. As such, she began her presidency by going back to research the history of APTi to understand how it has evolved. And then she set out to understand what is most important to the membership.

APTi logo

In her own private practice, Maryanne describes how she has seen new leaders come in with wonderful ideas, but who got “killed by the culture” because they didn’t understand it. It was important to her not to “make the culture wrong” at APTi – she listens to everyone and looks through different lenses in order to find a common path through the diversity.

Maryanne asserts that the values of APTi are of the utmost importance – and that these values needed to be codified in order to make sure that everyone can find a common framework for basing their organizational decisions.

When asked to characterize her approach to balancing the running of an organization with allowing for diversity, Maryanne offers three pointed questions that she needed to address:

  • How to build common ground around what and why we need to change (e.g., legal and compliance issues)?
  • What do we need to change to – what is the vision for the future of the organization and what is it going to be (since we can’t align people on what we were intended to be)?
  • What does change mean to all of the stakeholders at APTi – the chapters, board, interest areas, the president – and how do we build common conversations and thinking in order to keep the organization whole through the change?

She finds that leaders tend to be good at one or another of those elements, but often make the mistake of not fostering all of them. The result can be that the resistance against change overcomes the will to change.

At its core, APTi is dedicated to providing an independent and high quality voice for psychological type. It is an “international membership organization open to any individual interested in personality type. APTi members come from a variety of backgrounds and professions including business and industry, organizational development, religion, education, psychotherapy and counseling.”

To learn more about APTi and Maryanne, you can listen to the full podcast here.

If you’d like to submit a Jungian-focused blog on living or working with different personality types, please contact Jennifer Rojas, our Blog Editor, at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com.

Character and Personality: Orientation and Energy

Posted on by Gary Monti

orientationenergyWhen shopping online, when do you decide to purchase? If the features are fairly close to what you want, do you go ahead and buy? Or, do you search and search until all the facts have been gathered before making a decision and hitting that “Buy Now” button?

What about when you are on the road for work? At the end of the day, would you like to go explore a new restaurant with one of your fellow team members, or does going back to the hotel room to just “be” and decompress feel best?

In one of our previous blogs, gathering and processing information preferences were discussed. Here we will look at the two other major components that go into determining one’s temperament: orientation and energy source. As with the gathering and processing of information, orientation and energy are also about preference. Each of us practices all of the temperament traits, but based on neural wiring, we have preferred ways of orienting and obtaining energy.

Orientation

Orientation refers to how we prefer to interface with the outside world. There are two approaches:

Judging, or J, which means there is a desire to come to closure on an issue. The person who buys online once, fairly close to the desired goal, is J, and;

Perceiving, or P, which means there is the desire to find more information. The person who researches online (even after making the purchase) is P.

Let’s avoid some common misperceptions regarding these terms. Judging is different than being judgmental. To repeat, judging is the desire for closure and is neutral. Being judgmental is making value statements; e.g., “That person is good (or bad, as the case may be).” Perceiving is the desire to gather information. It is not having special insight or a crystal ball.

Energy

There are two possibilities for gaining energy:

Extraverts, or Es, gain energy from being around others, socializing, and wanting to deal with exterior things. Es can tend to make many contacts without going deep, and;

Introverts, or Is, who prefer going off by themselves to gain energy by turning inward. Is can tend to have few contacts and go deep into relationships.

Es are often called “solar panels” because they like excitement and soaking up energy through interaction with others. Is are often called “batteries” since going off and recharging depleted energy stores is a must.

Keep in mind that it’s from where one draws energy that determines if their temperament is E or I. In other words, you can have quiet Extraverts and energetic Introverts. A shy person can be an E and someone who is outgoing can be an I. Culturally, there is a good deal of confusion over this issue.

Energy, Orientation, and Teams

What value does all this information have? Here’s a big one: Knowing how a person accesses energy, plus their orientation, can both explain and help resolve conflict!

For example, an EJ (Extraverted-Judger) may get tired of working on a task, feel he’s done enough, and want to improve her sense of well-being by talking with someone on the team and getting their attention. If the person whom they approach is IP (Introverted-Perceiver) then sparks can fly or feathers could get ruffled. Why? The IP may get his sense of well-being by being left alone to both stay centered and go deep on a particular task and get more information.

Some examples: Have you ever been working on a project, gotten to a point where you need feedback in order to proceed, but the person you need to schedule a meeting with is either elusive or keeps re-scheduling? Conversely, maybe you’re the person who needs more time to think the task through – and having a meeting about it now seems premature or even disruptive to your workflow. You can probably see where this is going.

When we look at the combinations associated with E vs I and J vs P it becomes increasingly clear how holding a team together can be a big challenge.

Do you have some examples from work or home that highlight different team or family members’ energy and orientation preferences?

Gary Monti has over 30 years experience providing change- and project management services internationally. He works at the nexus between strategy, business case, project-, process-, and people management. Service modalities include consulting, teaching, mentoring, and speaking. Credentials include PMP number 14 (Project Management Institute®), Myers-Briggs Type Indicator certification, and accreditation in the Cynefin methodology. Gary can be reached at gary.monti@aureliuspress.com.

If you’d like to submit a Jungian-focused blog on working with different personality types, please contact Jennifer Rojas, our Blog Editor, at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com.

Character and Personality: Emotionality

Posted on by Gary Monti

EmotionalityHow does it strike you when there is difficulty and someone says, “Oh, it’s just a communication problem…”?

Where did that word “just” come from? Is the working assumption that communications is effortless, straightforward, and accurate over 90% of the time?

My experience says otherwise. I’ve found there is a very common behavior that poisons communications especially in times of change – emotionality.

BUT WAIT! Aren’t emotions healthy? If so, what is the difference between emotionality and honest expression of feelings?

Sorting out the difference and being a leader requires wisdom and a working knowledge of both character and personality – along with the interplay between the two. This is the pond in which we will swim here.

Can We Talk?

Alfred Korzybski, the founder of general semantics, found that as stress increases, the desire for valid information increases in terms of both amount and frequency. However, unless one has a strong, positive character the desire to actively communicate goes down. People retreat inward. This isn’t to say they shut up. Rather, there is an ever-increasing absorption with the question, “What is going to happen to me!?” Minds start racing and projections of the most horrible kind can take over.

While there might be a great deal of talking, there actually can be a dramatic drop in communications. Others become objects seen as helping or hurting us in getting to a stable position.

Understanding what contributes to communications or its breakdown helps a leader decide how to plan and execute the next move. This is where character and personality come into play.

Character vs Personality

Character is the inward set of rules by which one operates. In game theory it refers to one’s rationale for making decisions. This is a bit oversimplified, but will work for now. “Character” is a rather neutral term. A hardened criminal has a character just as the judge who sends him to prison does. In this blog, “character” refers to rules grounded in professionalism, empathy, and compassion.

Personality comprises the way we choose to gather information and interact with our environment.

To contrast: two people can have similar character traits, e.g., the desire to serve mankind, but have very different personalities for expressing it. One could become a therapist while the other becomes a contractor who builds libraries.

Let’s use this context to examine emotionality.

Emotions vs Emotionality

Emotions are quite valuable. They reflect the variance between our expectations and the current state of affairs. Frequently, these expectations are driven by our personalities. For example, if a municipality with limited funds must choose between a mental health facility and building a library, the therapist and contractor could violently disagree as to how best to spend the money. They risk falling into emotionality.

Here is where character comes into play. Leaders look at their feelings and ask, “Are they appropriate for the principles at play?” Essentially, the principles come first regardless of the consequences and emotions are expected to shift accordingly. (Important tip: Reads easy, does hard.)

With emotionality, decisions are made based on feelings and seeking to either get relief from or indulge them. Think of a two-year-old trying to get the upper hand by throwing a tantrum.

Where this leaves us is: an honest expression of emotions with a statement of underlying principles (agenda) supports communication with others, while emotionality has the potential to tear community apart.

Gary Monti has over 30 years experience providing change- and project management services internationally. He works at the nexus between strategy, business case, project-, process-, and people management. Service modalities include consulting, teaching, mentoring, and speaking. Credentials include PMP number 14 (Project Management Institute®), Myers-Briggs Type Indicator certification, and accreditation in the Cynefin methodology. Gary can be reached at gary.monti@aureliuspress.com.

If it feels like your project is an adult day-care center and you’d like to submit a Jungian-focused blog on working with different personality types, please contact Jennifer Rojas, our Blog Editor, at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com.