Month: December 2015

Holidays vs Holy Days: Presence vs Presents

Posted on by Jennifer Rojas

holy daysWe all know that the holiday season – while “merry and bright” – can be full of grand expectations. There should be peaceful, loving family gatherings where everyone gets along famously. There should be boyfriends and girlfriends and life partners who appear magically to fulfill us in every way. There should be only successful business ventures. Nobody should be lonely… you get the drift.

So, in the holiday spirit, and as we approach a brand new year, Gary shares some profound insights about expectations, acceptance and abundance in our most recent podcast. He discusses his own personal transformation surrounding the holidays, which has led to much greater enjoyment and peace during this time of year.

Gary’s story begins over 23 years ago, while still suffering post-divorce paralysis. His desire to get un-stuck merged with the meditation portion of the 11th step in a 12-Step program. The insight he gained was this: addiction is associated with expectations. He came to call the holiday season, “The Disneyland of Addiction” – a time of high emotionality and expectations where trying to satisfy feelings, similar to a child in the “terrible twos,” takes precedence over principle-based behavior. He realized that this high-emotionality-combined-with-high-expectations can lead to our suffering.

Consequently, Gary explains that holidays are about expectations, while holy days are about being responsible, living by one’s principles, and treating others in a compassionate, respectful manner. Said more simply, the goal of this shift in perspective is to “have my butt and my brain in the same place and time zone.”

Gary’s Buddhist practice comes into play in helping develop daily habits to stay present, aware, and “in” life, moment by moment. This leads to loving-kindness for self and others and puts the “holy” in holy days.

The switch to embracing the notion of holy days at this time of year has allowed Gary to remove himself from the trap of expectations. Life is simpler. Pain doesn’t necessarily go away, but suffering lessens. This leads to an increase in acceptance. This acceptance leads to the development of options and better decision-making – rather than being hung up on a given expectation.

Gary believes that when we hang onto expectations, a tightfistedness sets in that is very controlling and leads to misery (e.g., My cookies didn’t come out right… The kids better behave perfectly in their Christmas best clothing… My sister is being passive-aggressive… Doesn’t Aunt Jane remember I have peanut allergies?… He didn’t call me so my holiday is ruined… I’m surrounded by all these people, but I feel lonely…)

One not-so-obvious option during the seasonal “expectations vs. reality” stupor is to be prepared to still take care of oneself even when plans fail. To actually take that energy from the disappointment and move it into something constructive. And, if a plan does come to fruition, you can move that energy as well into something greater than can be built.

We certainly don’t need to dismiss our heritages and traditions during the holiday season. Our favourite foods, music, activities and cultural traditions should be enjoyed as there is much opportunity for warmth and closeness, and a sense of belonging. AND looking through the lens of holy days instead of holidays can also create abundance and expand the space in which the abundance can grow. Joy can result!

You can listen to Gary’s wisdom and insight on holy days in the podcast here.

We at Aurelius Press wish you much love, joy and abundance in the new year!

Do you have your own story about holiday expectations and transformations? If you’d like share your story on our blog because you think it could help others and build connection, please feel free to contact Jennifer (also our Blog Editor) at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com

Character and Personality #5: Don’t pull that trigger!

Posted on by Gary Monti

pulltrigger Ever been attracted to someone who will save the day? You know, the White Knight that will save the situation? What about the flip side? Someone showing up in your life you absolutely can’t stand?

A leader must pay very close attention to feelings that accompany these situations. Are you aware both situations can have a great deal in common? They can have what I call large “blind spots” associated with them, blind spots into which organizations can fall and disappear.

There’s a curious component to these blind spots since they can have as much or more to do with the leader’s character as the exterior reality. The dynamics of these blind spots and how to deal with them fall under the category of projection. So what is projection? How can one deal with it?

Projection

Projection is shady. It creates false feelings of well-being around potentially disastrous decisions. At its core, projection deals with the desire to take a shortcut to avoid going to dark places, especially within.

Dynamics

Previous blogs mention we all have portions of our psyche that are quite strong and other parts that are weak. Over time, we tend to build our lives around the stronger components and gradually develop a fear of those weaker ones. The primary reasons for the fear are imagined and real instabilities from which we believe we may not recover. Simply put, our reputation, business, etc., are at stake. We are staring at uncertainty.

The attempted shortcut becomes trying to find someone, the Other, who will deal with those dark spaces for us. We become infatuated with the Other. The Other is taken hostage.

Conversely, the shortcut with the detested person is to simply get rid of him or her. This way the scary work can, again, be avoided.

In both cases, the leader stays myopic, loses vision, and is unable to see the consequences of decisions. A boss hiring someone to do the more difficult parts of the boss’s responsibilities (read: dirty work) is a good example of projection. It tears the team apart.

So Which is Which?

How does one know if the desired decision is wise and simple or blind and chaotic? In one word, “Options.” In two words, “Risk management.” In another two words, “Assumption analysis.” Let me explain:

Projection is sly and takes several forms. It is a narcotic that puts discernment to sleep. It is a demolition expert wiring explosives to all that has been built. It puts the trigger in the leader’s hand. It intensifies emotionality, making pulling the trigger feel oh so sweet. (“Just fire him! Just hire her! Start without a contract! Requirements gathering will slow us down! Cash flow! Everything will be okay.”)

Then it waits for the blind decision that irreversibly pulls the trigger and destroys healthy power, assets, and people.

By asking questions around options, risk management, and assumption analysis, the door to healthier decision-making opens. Vision returns. Now, all this means going into those dark spaces. It’s hard work, rewarding work. It’s also the simplest work. (There’s never enough time to do it right the first time, but there’s always time to fix it.) Keep in mind that, just like Hades in Greek mythology, that’s where the real gold – not the fool’s gold – is!

Gary Monti has over 30 years experience providing change- and project management services internationally. He works at the nexus between strategy, business case, project-, process-, and people management. Service modalities include consulting, teaching, mentoring, and speaking. Credentials include PMP number 14 (Project Management Institute®), Myers-Briggs Type Indicator certification, and accreditation in the Cynefin methodology. Gary can be reached at gary.monti@aureliuspress.com.

If you’d like to submit a Jungian-focused blog on working with different personality types (in professional or personal settings), please contact Jennifer Rojas, our Blog Editor, at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com.

Jungian Psychological Type: Interview with Maryanne DiMarzo, APTi President

Posted on by Jennifer Rojas

JungStampWe were delighted to sit down with Maryanne DiMarzo, the current president of APTi (Association of Psychological Type International), to learn more about the association’s history, where it is now, and where Maryanne sees it heading in the future. Maryanne shares how her leadership role at APTi was woven in with aspects of her personal journey, and how this interconnection has led to her profound commitment to the mission of the organization.

Maryanne begins by describing her journey into type. She loved studying Jung, but observed that some type practitioners administered assessments poorly, and used them to pigeonhole people. She expresses her concern about practitioners still missing the point today, which can have an impact on hiring and firing decisions.

Maryanne felt from very early on that it was important to focus on preferences vs. labeling – and that assessments are meant to help people leverage their results for better human understanding. She explains that in current times, access to type and type products has become enormous (e.g., free online assessments), which can actually lead to a lack of quality.

Joining APTi was key in Maryanne’s journey of learning that there is so much more that can and should be gleaned from type assessments in order to help people. Over time, she has developed a deep commitment to the organization, not only as a leader, but also inasmuch as her experiences with APTi have helped her be a much better executive coach and team builder.

APTi is independent of publishers, and is both product-agnostic and dedicated to high quality. The association’s aim is to help people distinguish between the high quality type assessments and those which are potentially harmful due to un-sound methodology. In other words, if APTi sanctions a type product, that means that the product is based in really good type thinking.

Maryanne discusses the challenges that are present with APTi being product agnostic. She explains that leaving space for different products has invited some controversy. While some may feel that the the organization is furthering and extending the work of Isabel Briggs Myers throughout the world, while remaining inside of her values, others assert that it is straying or departing from her direct heritage (i.e., perceived competition).

Given the disagreement within APTi regarding product agnosticism, we wonder how Maryanne finds a balance while leading an organization in which diversity is a core value. She explains that, as a leader, diversity has, indeed, been a guide – and that she’s dug deep within herself in order to make decisions that will nurture the entire group. As such, she began her presidency by going back to research the history of APTi to understand how it has evolved. And then she set out to understand what is most important to the membership.

APTi logo

In her own private practice, Maryanne describes how she has seen new leaders come in with wonderful ideas, but who got “killed by the culture” because they didn’t understand it. It was important to her not to “make the culture wrong” at APTi – she listens to everyone and looks through different lenses in order to find a common path through the diversity.

Maryanne asserts that the values of APTi are of the utmost importance – and that these values needed to be codified in order to make sure that everyone can find a common framework for basing their organizational decisions.

When asked to characterize her approach to balancing the running of an organization with allowing for diversity, Maryanne offers three pointed questions that she needed to address:

  • How to build common ground around what and why we need to change (e.g., legal and compliance issues)?
  • What do we need to change to – what is the vision for the future of the organization and what is it going to be (since we can’t align people on what we were intended to be)?
  • What does change mean to all of the stakeholders at APTi – the chapters, board, interest areas, the president – and how do we build common conversations and thinking in order to keep the organization whole through the change?

She finds that leaders tend to be good at one or another of those elements, but often make the mistake of not fostering all of them. The result can be that the resistance against change overcomes the will to change.

At its core, APTi is dedicated to providing an independent and high quality voice for psychological type. It is an “international membership organization open to any individual interested in personality type. APTi members come from a variety of backgrounds and professions including business and industry, organizational development, religion, education, psychotherapy and counseling.”

To learn more about APTi and Maryanne, you can listen to the full podcast here.

If you’d like to submit a Jungian-focused blog on living or working with different personality types, please contact Jennifer Rojas, our Blog Editor, at jennifer.rojas@aureliuspress.com.